At the very beginning of my first pregnancy, I began experiencing a pregnancy symptom that I never expected. I never fully classed it as a pregnancy symptom until it made its triumphant return at the beginning of this pregnancy.
Potent, uncontrollable, unmistakable, undeniable, unendurable, toxic GAS.
My sudden particular brand of flatulence could clear an entire branch of Debenhams of the even the most die hard of Boxing Day sales shoppers with just one ‘drop’.
Nowhere had I ever heard about this pregnancy symptom or ‘side effect’.
I knew about morning sickness, boob soreness, tiredness, extreme hunger, weight gain, moodiness and all the like. But no one or no book had ever mentioned horrendous farts!
I thought that there must have been something slightly wrong with me during the first trimester of my first pregnancy. I only made the connection to a delightful pregnancy symptom when they returned again at the beginning of my second.
Quick – Run for cover!
I luckily, or unluckily for them, live in a household were no one is under the misconception that nobody ever has gas.
We all know that we all need to let go of wind fairly regularly. Therefore nobody feels the need to try and conceal it when we do let one go!
It did almost become comical in our little household, particularly as I had also lost all ability to hold any gas in or put it off. Suddenly, one would slip out, rather unexpectedly but fairly well announced, in the company of another family member.
Gas, Gas, Gas!!
It would suddenly then be like someone had pulled the pin out of a grenade and thrown it into the room we were occupying.
Any poor soul trapped in the room with my ticking time bomb would suddenly run, jump, duck or roll out of the room as fast as they could to avoid the fate that awaited those that remained.
Whilst this was amusing at home (at least for me – its fortunate that for some scientific reason we are immune to our own ‘brand’!), it was downright embarrassing when I had to venture out of my house, and go, say, to work.
My office is located two flights of stairs up from the nearest toilets, in a big old building. When I felt a balloon of toxic gas brewing, and by brewing I mean milliseconds away from making an appearance, I had no time to reach the safety of the ladies.
I mostly had two options; stay put and hope nobody noticed. Or waddle out into the stairwell and hope no one passed through there for a while.
Neither option saved me from embarrassment nor went un-noticed by my fellow co-workers.
My stairwell option went particularly south! A colleague, who occupied an office just off of the stair well, came into my office announcing to myself and my office mates, that she had called the maintenance team to investigate a gas leak in the stairwell.
She wasn’t sure if it was gas from the mains or sewage, but the smell was particularly potent.
The teams investigation never found the source of the smell and I feigned ignorance as to its true source. I don’t think I will ever admit to my pregnant guts being the cause of that one; big old buildings are awfully troublesome and all that!
Luckily with the passing of the last trimester came the final passing of toxic gas. My flatulence could then pass under the radar yet again.
How to deal with a Rudy Booty!
There is no way real solution to this rather embarrassing symptom. Similarly, there is no real way of making sure it goes unnoticed. My poor colleagues must have guessed, but never did say anything, being the lovely people they are! I did come up with a few methods, mainly excuses, to make myself feel like I was saving face. Thus, making myself feel slightly better about the whole situation:
Be like that guy, find yourself a scapegoat
My best friend’s husband thinks it’s hilarious to drop a bomb very loudly and follow this up by blaming it (equally loudly) on his poor wife.I’m sure he is not the only man to do this!
Find yourself a victim and blame your less than sweet smells on them, either directly or indirectly.
When shopping with the family I would occasionally cover myself by quietly letting one go near my husband then scuttling off as quickly as I could. Anyone in the local vicinity would therefore think he was the cause!
Similarly, there are two dogs who frequently reside in my office; I would quite often cover my own dodgy smells by blaming them on a dog! The bonus here being that they don’t tend to argue back about it!
Find an equally smelly smell and time its release accordingly
The breakfast I am famous for at the company I work for is boiled eggs. I can’t stand eating until mid-morning and then it can’t be anything sweet. Boiled eggs are the perfect pack up and go option!
When I had experienced a toxic ‘happening’, I would loudly declare in the office that it was ‘egg time’; my pre-breakfast warning that an eggy smell would shortly follow! This would cover me for a little while!
I also applied the ‘Sorry I need to spray myself with deodorant’ technique successfully quite a few times. I think, however, there are limits on how many times in a day you can do this without raising other embarrassing suspicions!
A very simple option is to simply ‘play along’ when anyone else says ‘what is that smell?!’
By declaring ‘God, what IS that?’ you negate yourself from blame. Following some head nodding and eye movements it usually gets blamed on some other poor soul.
Moral this probably ain’t, but it’s only a bit of gas and hopefully won’t cause any long term damage!
Style it out, hipster, foody or health nut style
If you have the confidence and the stylistic nature you can just style the toxic gas phase out by blaming your new found scent on your new ultra-hip, ultra-healthy diet.
‘Sorry guys! This cleanse is making so much headway through my intestinal tract. It’s worth it for the health benefits of course’.
I never tried this one as no one who knows me would believe that I had started such a healthy diet. You won’t see me turning down a steak or a burger!
Tell the truth
Let’s face it, you’re not going to tell the truth. Even if people knew you were pregnant, I’m not sure they’d believe you when you told them it was all pregnancy’s fault!
However you decide to deal with this symptom, if you are unfortunate enough to suffer from it, remember it will soon pass! Soon it will be nothing but a funny story!
Do you have an embarrassing toxic gas story? Please don’t be afraid to share it below. We’re all grownups, it’s all natural, and we could all do with a good laugh!